Lets talk forgiveness...

If you're like me you hold on to past memories and hurts. My husband told me the other day that I take things that people say and add feelings and meanings into then that just aren't there.

I tend to agree with him. Just because bad things have happened to me in the past doesn't mean that they are still happening in the future. Its hard a lot.

I'm like most people and have been done wrong. However, I hold on to it and take it to heart and it's really tough to let it go.

Maybe its more of a girl, but I know these things affect guys too. I remember a guy I one dated telling me that I'm not the kind of girl you marry. What I think he meant was, you're too good for me and I can never give you what you need lol. My husband would certainly disagree with his former statement. This year will be 7 years and he tells me often that he couldn't imagine  being with anyone else.

For years though I held onto that statement and really took it to heart that I'm not good enough. When I look back now, I realize how young I was and how inexperienced I was with life. Holding onto hurts and feelings of abandonment, abuse, pain, and words can break you down inside. Don't let someone else do that to you.

I used to play an online mmo. It overtook my life to say the least. And after years of playing with these people they just cut me out of their lives in a single day. Blocked from facebook, the game etc. I felt anxious and depressed for months and months. It was a real low point and over people that I only knew online! I began to realize that there were two kinds of people in my life - the fair weather friends and the true friends. Most importantly I found my best friend in my husband.

Forgiveness was one of the last things I ever wanted to do for those people. I wanted to subscribe them every free magazine subscription for foot fungus I could find or use their phone numbers for free insurance quotes, but all I could think was "be classy". And I did. I kept my self respect on the outside even though I was broken on the inside.

It was really hard for me to move on, but I was able to do so with a few friends that I did end up letting in. I began to find happiness in things again. I left go of the hatred that has consumed me. I let go of the anger.

A few weeks ago one of the girls that had been in the online game reached out to me because of a post she had seen on a positive website that was promoting happiness. I was able to have a short conversation with her and it didn't make me hurt inside. Although we will never be close, I am glad that we did clear the air.

You don't have to  be friends with people
that hurt you and I'm really not sure it's a good idea to jump back into friendships that ended in a painful way, but I encourage everyone to let go of the things that are holding you back. The memories of pain and betrayal. Sometimes it isn't about being the bigger person. Its just about caring for yourself enough to not hold onto things that aren't good for you.

This is one of the biggest ways happiness has happened to me!

I have no interests....So how do I have fun?

I've been saying for as long as I can remember that I'm not good at anything therefore I have nothing I like to do. What I don't understand now is why I limited myself by having to be good at something in order to enjoy it.

I remember as a little kid always liking to paint. My grandma dId it, so I guess I always just wanted to be like her. I'm awful at it. Lol my paintings never progressed past the 3rd grade level. But you know what?  I really enjoy it! Woo cats if no one else can determine what my watercolor is.. its up for interpretation!

I find that I don't have a passion that I really excel in, but I don't have to be great to have fun. Being mediocre is ok too. I've found things that you don't have to be born with to talent into. Done things come from necessity.

I found that having two children is expensive. Lol yes very expensive. So I started couponing. I really enjoyed the challenge of it and while it is time consuming it can be a lot of fun to see your receipt afterwards.

This is a huge world with so many options to choose from. Maybe you would like to workout? Or learn an instrument? Or another language?

Once I stopped limiting myself and opened myself up to the possibility of failing, but still having fun - I found all kinds of great things I enjoy doing. So try something new that you've been wanting to try. Life is to short to be limiting ourselves.

Find a little happiness is a new place :)

Finding what inspires you?

If you were to ask me a few months ago what inspires me I would have come up empty handed. It's easy if you think of it in your daily life. What inspires your life? Well money for one! You can't do much of anything without money. Is that really inspiring? Why do you even need it?

For me it wasn't so much about finding inspiration as it was about meeting goals. I have a drive to succeed. I may not know exactly at what yet, but I have a set of goals that will allow me to find my way down my own path.

When I graduated high school I wasn't thinking about what career I wanted to pursue. I was thinking about my boyfriend, having my own place and someday getting married.

Fun ruled my daily activities with no thoughts of saving for retirement and life beyond tomorrow because let's face it.. that's not fun! As I'm approaching 30 I realize the mistakes I've made, but you can't change them so you just have to accept them and move on. I still struggle with school and knowing what I want to do, but now it is with a more realistic mindset of the future and where I want to be.

By setting goals, I have found inspiration in strange and unexpected places. I've been finishing up my paralegal certificate and have decided to finally finish up my bachelor degree. I'm tired of making mediocre money and desiring for more of a challenge in the workplace. When looking at what major I would like to complete I realized that there are small steps needed to complete any goal. I have wanted to become a judge for the past 10 years, but you usually have to have a law degree. I kept thinking that I needed to get a bachelor's that would lead right into law. Then I began thinking, if I graduated with a political science degree would that be hindering on the types of positions I could work? What if I had other things I enjoyed also that I would be sacrificing opportunities for?

I started with Twitter a few months earlier and discovered the Zappos culture and how much I enjoyed reading the human resource articles and social branding. Honestly, that sounded like a whole lot more fun that political science. By spreading out my wings and setting goals, like finishing my bachelors, I felt inspired to reach out in a new an unexpected direction and have found something new. I haven't given up on my goal on law school and honestly you can go to law school with any degree, but if law school doesn't work out, then I'm ok with that because I still found something else I really enjoy.

Even if your goal is organizing your closet, by setting that goal you might find you really enjoy do-it-yourself projects.

Always set goals for yourself - that way you're always facing towards the future.

So it's the little things that matter, huh?

A lot of times I only focus on the big picture and miss out on the little things in my life. It's easy to do. You look at how tall the grass has grown in your yard and your only thought is, crap I gotta mow. You miss seeing how strong and healthy it has grown and the beautiful green it has become.

I've found that in missing the small stuff it is easier to become discouraged or disenchanted with your life. For months and months I became a person I didn't know, all because of things in my life I couldn't control at that second. When they say patience is a virtue they aren't kidding. I'm often lacking in patience and am more of a "let's fix it right now" kind of person.

In the past two years or so, my husband and I have been trying to buy a home. We started because we had simply outgrown our apartment and were having problems with our landlord that were getting out of control. I began looking at Zillow for houses in our area and found one that I really liked. I had heard an ad on the radio for a mortgage broker and called up the office to see if I could qualify.

When I got the news that I did prequalify I was elated. My husband didn't qualify because of school loans, but I thought it really didn't matter I can do this alone. The house I liked was sold very quickly so I began looking for something else.

We ended up settling for another house. When I say settling, I mean that we both just wanted out of our current situation and were willing to accept the bare minimum.

Through the entire process I felt like all we heard was "no" and "you can't do that". It was the most stressful thing I think I have ever done. Everything felt like it was going against me. And I felt like it was just me. I felt sorry for myself, discouraged with the sitiation, and just generally stressed out. I let my head get away from me, negativity flooded my being and overtook my whole life.

We ended up not going through with the contract and called it a $700 lesson in life. Months after, I realized it was not only a life lesson, but I test of my character. I had failed.

We decided to move in with family for around 7 months so that we could pay down my husbands student loans and try to get him on the mortgage. We are currently under contract to buy our first home together. Things have been so easy this time. We feel like a team. I know I don't have to face this situation alone. I am not the only signature needed.

Even when it's something small, you don't always have to do it alone. You are not the only lonely person in the world. Often times when I feel like my spouse doesn't care and I'm the only one feeling alone, I realize he feels the same about me. It's important to communicate with your friends and family.

For months I was so upset that we had lost the first house and that we were living with family that I felt worthless. I felt like I had hit the bottom of the bucket. Slowly drowning. It was hard to let go of all the things that were holding me back. When I finally realized that it wasn't just my circumstances that were making me feel so bad, but it was the way I handled them. You can't always control everything, but you can control how you react and respond to them.

I began to read positive things, surround myself with positive influences. Even if it took me weeks and weeks to pull myself out, I slowly began climbing to the top. Now as I sit at the edge of the top of the bucket looking out I realize I have two choices. I can fall back down to the bottom, or I can climb out and try to make something better and more positive for myself.

And that's what I have chosen to do!

Ok, so you tried smiling...

You did it! I knew you could. How did it go? Did you find a special place? Smiling is the easiest way to start your happy life. So what if you don't feel like smiling?

Well I don't always feel like smiling either. Often, I just like to be alone. Which is completely understandable. Everyone needs time by themselves to process thoughts and feelings.  It is really important to understand yourself better. With understanding and acceptance comes peace.

I've always been rather hard on myself. I usually didn't like to think about things too long because they would become painful reminders of all the things I have done wrong in my life. It's important to think about things in a reasonable manner. "If I had taken a different direction then I might not have gotten in that wreck, then I wouldn't owe so much money and be in debt"... It isn't really helping yourself to use thought patterns like these. I mean, what can you do about it now? It's over, done with!

I've found myself falling into these holes of despair and sorrow more times than I'd like to admit. It's easy to think negatively, but if your negative all of the time than you cannot truly enjoy the good things in life!

So my solution? Well besides pointing out the problem to yourself.. I go by the reward system. If I'm stressed and at the end of my rope, I will take myself to lunch. I normally bring a lunch to save money, but sometimes a tiny splurge on a $5-10 lunch can make you feel better. I have a favorite restaurant that I only go to by myself. It's in a cute plaza shopping center, complete with fountain. Just being in the sunshine, getting a healthy happy lunch, makes me feel like I can finish the day. Because not everything is always going to be perfect, but it's all about your attitude and how you choose to deal with things.

Can't leave for lunch? Keep a small pick me up snack at your desk or money for the vending machine. Sometimes chewing a piece of gum or eating  chocolate can turn my mood in a 180. It's all about finding the right things for you! Things that work for one person might not work for you. Find out who you are!

Thinking about things with more positivity takes time and effort - a lot more effort for some people than others.  And that's ok, keep your head up and don't forget to smile!

Why blog?

A blog is an interesting concept. Your writing about things you hope others will read, be interested in, and can relate to. Sometimes it's hard to imagine you can write anything that someone could relate to, but then you think - out of millions of people there has to be at least one that thinks similar to me. With 7 billion people in the world it would seem that finding someone with similar traits would be plausible.

Think then to that same 7 billion people, with so many people how can I possibly write or do something that someone hasn't done before? How can I make a big difference or even a small one in the midst of so many others who are more educated, beautiful, etc than I am?

It can be enough to discourage anyone and sabotage any positive thinking you may have attempted to generate in the moments before all this new found knowledge popped into your thoughts.

Maybe everyone in the world won't know your name, but is it really important that everyone does? Or is it more important that everyone that you meet in your daily life has a positive impression of who you are and what you stand for?

Positivity takes time for some, me included. I am not what you would consider a happy-go-lucky person, but that doesn't mean that my happiness is any less genuine, it just means I had to fight harder for it.

My challenge to begin on this happiness path is to smile. That's it. Choose someone, anyone, and smile at them. My special smiling center is the post office. Everyone is genuinely polite there and I found that it was an easy place too start. When someone holds the door open - smile! It shouldn't be hard - someone was being thoughtful to you!  Start small and smile!

Here is the start of how happiness happened to me -

Jordan